I thought I was well-prepared. Hadn’t I heard for 9 months the experiences of all my neighbors, friends and relatives about “siblings”, “sibling rivalry”, “the first year”, and so on till I couldn’t hear anymore? Equipped with an earful of well-intentioned warnings, I felt I had enough pointers to tackle my new mom days.

“Demand help from everyone”

“Take one day at a time”

“Make sure the older one doesn’t feel left out”

and so on.

But one thing truly caught me by surprise. No one told me how much I would miss my first born when the second came along. That first night after the c-section, I was confined to the bed. I needed help to sit upright and depended on others to help me breastfeed the newborn. I was in pain and felt quite helpless. (I might share more about that in another post). But what was more difficult to bear, was not having my first born by my side. and hearing him repeat over and over again, “I want to sleep with Amma”. For 4 years, we had co-slept. Not one night apart! We all fell asleep eventually, but we deeply missed each other.

That was just the beginning. My husband and the grandparents a.k.a my support system have replaced me as his primary caregivers. This has given me time not only to take care and bond with the new baby but also get some rest. As thankful as I am for all their support, I still have missed him terribly. Oh, how the heart aches even with a beautiful, precious little one in your arms! I have missed him on the weekends and nights when he has decided to sleep in a different room with his dad. I have missed eating our meals together and playing with him. I have missed it being just us.

So when he has two different feelings about the baby: enjoying the baby at one time and wanting the baby to go back into my tummy at other times, I get it. I know why. He is missing how it was and is still adjusting to how it is and will be. That said he is already doing a great job. He is being flexible and more independent. Being the sole milk-vending machine I am on call all the time. Evenings are especially difficult what with cluster-feeding and the baby not sleeping for hours on end. So he does feel left out. He is having his share of trials and meltdowns but is coping the best he can. He clings onto his dad more, which I am thankful for. We try to snatch our moments of one-on-one time when we can. In the past few weeks, we did manage to make clay solar systems, learnt to draw 5-pointer stars, read “I am a BIG Brother” and danced around. We squeeze in our share of hugs and kisses when we roll around in the bed in the morning or before bedtime.

Now the “us” is getting redefined. And once both are sound asleep, I think of the days when they both will build bridges with Legos, just run around or of fighting for the TV remote. I fall asleep dreaming of family dinners, long road trips and having the time of our lives.

I am linking up this post with #mg

Reflectionsfromme
Also with #MondayMusings

 

What no one told me about becoming a mother for the second time

30 thoughts on “What no one told me about becoming a mother for the second time

  • September 20, 2017 at 2:47 pm
    Permalink

    Beautifull post nammy!!! yeah… nobody else has warned me about this!!!! I am better prepared now 🙂

    Reply
    • September 20, 2017 at 3:08 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Hamsa. Don’t worry though. I am sure you have a pretty good support system too.

      Reply
  • September 20, 2017 at 6:25 pm
    Permalink

    Nice post Namy & congrats on baby #2

    Reply
  • September 21, 2017 at 12:00 am
    Permalink

    Congratulations Namratha!

    Reply
  • September 21, 2017 at 10:06 am
    Permalink

    lovely emotional post …I could feel how much u missed ur first baby having second baby in arms….allthough i m mother of a single child ……b ut its good that both are back enjoying ur hugs n kisses moments ….these r the things making our bonds stronger…..soon u will notice the big bro carrying little one in his arms and cuddling…..

    Reply
    • September 23, 2017 at 10:09 am
      Permalink

      Thanks Monika. It’s the moments that make all the effort worth it

      Reply
  • September 21, 2017 at 12:38 pm
    Permalink

    I really love how you truly captured the essence of this change we go through as mothers and also how our little ones adjust. There were times I felt I had betrayed my eldest by having another child. But watching their bond develop into what they share now has been the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. Sending hugs xx #mg

    Reply
    • September 23, 2017 at 10:08 am
      Permalink

      Its good to know that I am not the only one feeling the guilt about the changes that the first is going through. Waiting for the time they start developing a bond. Hugs.

      Reply
  • September 24, 2017 at 6:03 pm
    Permalink

    congratulations this is my favourite post this week for #mg stop by Monday to see it featured on the blog xx

    Reply
    • September 24, 2017 at 7:47 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks #mg for featuring my post. I am really glad you liked it. Will be there on Monday and hope to continue linking up my posts with your blog

      Reply
  • September 24, 2017 at 6:35 pm
    Permalink

    My two are three years apart…now in their 30’s.
    Everyday is new – One has gifted grands the other most likely will not…
    Adjustments to family dynamics can only be made within your own settings.

    The best advice I ever got was to listen to everyone – then listen to your own heart.

    Sibling order must play some role. I have a cousin – first born who wasn’t happy about number two at all. I, being in the middle have just geared my own thinking to gift my children with the positive experiences. And do not let anyone tell you one sex is easier than the other. I have sons…and one was a trial. But they both turned out to be fine men we can be proud of.

    Best to you as you grow with your family. Not all the answers are easy, but one thing I learned is that sometimes you have to be a parent first, and a friend second.

    Thanks for your visits to my short form site. Regards, Jules

    Reply
    • September 24, 2017 at 7:45 pm
      Permalink

      Thank you Jules for sharing your experiences with me and your advice. I have 2 sons too, elder one is 4 and younger one is just 6 weeks old. So, we are still at the beginning. As parents, we are learning and evolving along with our children.

      I love your advice about listening to our own heart.

      I enjoyed my visits to your short form blog. Will be back soon.

      Reply
  • Pingback: friendships or parents? #livingfearlesslyauthentic #mg - reflections from me

  • September 25, 2017 at 5:47 pm
    Permalink

    This isn’t something I’ve ever heard discussed before when it comes to having a second child. Interesting perspective.

    Reply
  • September 25, 2017 at 6:19 pm
    Permalink

    Really loved this post, Namrata 😊 I like the honesty with which you admit to missing the older one. Not many people say that, for fear that they may be misunderstood. And it’s rough for the older one to suddenly transition from being the apple of your eye to now ‘sharing’ you with someone else. All they need is love and time and sometimes, not being able to give that can weigh on our minds as well as theirs.

    Such a pleasure to read a post like this one after weeks of reading really inane stuff. So, thank you for this. And good wishes to the big boy and the little one too. That’s something I learnt from my dad, to always acknowledge the older one, even if you go to visit a baby.

    Reply
    • October 3, 2017 at 11:02 am
      Permalink

      It definitely does help to first acknowledge the older one so that they continue to feel important.
      It does take time for a mother and father to get used to the new ‘us’ and it is difficult to pour out my heart like this. Very few ppl talk about the challenges of this transition.
      Thank you for the praise and the wishes😊

      Reply
  • September 25, 2017 at 8:33 pm
    Permalink

    It’s such a heartwarming one Namy! Congrats on baby No 2. So that’s what’s keeping you away from writing. I can imagine how exhausting it may be but would be equally rewarding seeing the 2. Take care

    Reply
    • October 3, 2017 at 10:56 am
      Permalink

      Thank you. It has been a busy time but couldn’t keep away for too long!

      Reply
  • September 25, 2017 at 9:09 pm
    Permalink

    We often think of the first child adjusts to a new baby, but you’ve given a new and beautiful perspective as a Mom. Wishing your family continued love and support as you go through this new phase.

    Reply
    • October 3, 2017 at 10:54 am
      Permalink

      Thanks Corrinne for the wishes☺

      Reply
  • Pingback: Backspace, where are you? - NamySaysSo

  • September 26, 2017 at 9:06 am
    Permalink

    This is so true! The new baby needs all the attention and the elder one does feel left out. Try as we may, I wonder how much does the child feel loved for.

    Reply
    • October 3, 2017 at 9:36 am
      Permalink

      I think it takes awhile to settle down but in the meantime we need to keep reassuring them that we are there for them always

      Reply
  • September 29, 2017 at 5:34 pm
    Permalink

    It is such a difficult time as you all try to adjust to this new “us”. This stage will pass, though, as hard and never-ending as it may feel now and, as you say, they will grow a lovely bond and truly cherish each other. #mg

    Reply
    • October 3, 2017 at 9:24 am
      Permalink

      Now we are just going along trying to savour each day and each day has its own unique gifts to give☺

      Reply

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: