What do you do? by Namratha Varadharajan

“Just a mom”, I apologize. An attempt at a poker face

with a hint of shame. Though I run around all day

 

“It is difficult with two in tow”,  another excuse for my apology.

In a fake moment I say,  “I write”, more to fill my feeling of lacking

 

than anyone else’s.  Just a mom.

An expression or an explanation?

 

What do you do?

Numb days that overwhelm

Showers of helplesshelplessness

self-generation evaluation reports of f-minus

pointy fingers at my back

halo of guilt vine encircling my head

all the while on the run

no holidays. no weekends.

punctuated by moments that I take mindselfies.

moments I pensieve for retrieval

for when I am older and have some time, energy

to revisit, to relish. big teddy hugs of tiny little ones.

naughty bunny teeth. sweet pleased smiles.

catapulted food. penguin walks.

bub-bes and tut-tels. utter-fies and capchicums.

rolling laughing tickling on beds like that’s what we were meant for.

cars races balls numbers colours shapes books

read over and over. songs danced to

round and round again and again

 

but, I still guilt apologize

expectation and empowerment

how can I be

Just a mom

after the education I consumed

after the abilities I have.

that other one manages to mom, work, dance, more

more

what’s lacking in you?

 

Is empowerment choice or guilt?

is there a guilt-free-choice that fulfils?

show me.

What do you do? – Nanopoblano Day 10
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11 thoughts on “What do you do? – Nanopoblano Day 10

  • November 14, 2018 at 9:26 am
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    The guilt and self-doubt do seem to come with the territory, but ease with time. And it IS possible to fit the writing around the parenting.

    Reply
  • November 12, 2018 at 1:22 pm
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    Being a Mom is the hardest and most important job in the world

    Reply
    • November 12, 2018 at 3:34 pm
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      True. But sometimes feels undervalued

      Reply
  • November 12, 2018 at 2:50 am
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    I am glad my mom was just a mom until we were all in school….I will cherish those special moments and all she gave us so I could be who I am today….but I agree with others….there is no such thing as ‘just a mom’.

    Reply
  • November 12, 2018 at 12:20 am
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    There isn’t any “just a mom.” But…as someone who dreads the what-do-you-question (I’m neither working nor a mom), I empathize with the way the question always stings.

    Reply
  • November 11, 2018 at 10:42 pm
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    If just this could be asked by a man… maybe it’s possible to be both, but that requires sharing… but being a mom isn’t a bad thing though.

    Reply
    • November 11, 2018 at 10:58 pm
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      It isn’t at all. But, sometimes there is some amount of guilt. There are moments where you aren’t sure whether you should be doing more.

      Reply
  • November 11, 2018 at 9:43 pm
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    Is there any such thing as “just a mom”? 😉

    Reply
  • November 11, 2018 at 9:35 pm
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    No apologies! You are nurturing the future. No harder job, none more fulfilling. I resonate with your poem, i remember those busy years when my kids were young.

    Reply
    • November 11, 2018 at 10:59 pm
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      Thanks Sherry. Yeah, it is hard. And fulfilling. Yet, moments of doubt creep up on you.

      Reply

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