What do you do? by Namratha Varadharajan
“Just a mom”, I apologize. An attempt at a poker face
with a hint of shame. Though I run around all day
“It is difficult with two in tow”, another excuse for my apology.
In a fake moment I say, “I write”, more to fill my feeling of lacking
than anyone else’s. Just a mom.
An expression or an explanation?
What do you do?
Numb days that overwhelm
Showers of helplesshelplessness
self-generation evaluation reports of f-minus
pointy fingers at my back
halo of guilt vine encircling my head
all the while on the run
no holidays. no weekends.
punctuated by moments that I take mindselfies.
moments I pensieve for retrieval
for when I am older and have some time, energy
to revisit, to relish. big teddy hugs of tiny little ones.
naughty bunny teeth. sweet pleased smiles.
catapulted food. penguin walks.
bub-bes and tut-tels. utter-fies and capchicums.
rolling laughing tickling on beds like that’s what we were meant for.
cars races balls numbers colours shapes books
read over and over. songs danced to
round and round again and again
but, I still guilt apologize
expectation and empowerment
how can I be
Just a mom
after the education I consumed
after the abilities I have.
that other one manages to mom, work, dance, more
what’s lacking in you?
Is empowerment choice or guilt?
is there a guilt-free-choice that fulfils?