In April this year, my ideas were like the spring melting from a Himalayan glacier under the warm summer glow. They flowed with clarity and reflected the sun and I was bashful enough to fancy myself a poet. This part of my life I would label as ‘the time when I thought I could write’.

But, since then I haven’t been able to churn out words at nearly the same pace and there are moments when doubt rises up faster than bile and leaves behind an “oh-so-icky” aftertaste. Ideas don’t bother to trickle out and have to be forced into the open using crowbars fashioned as prompts. On those days, my muse seems to be resting in an unmarked grave or elopes with vocabulary to visit the four corners of the world.

And then there are those days that I write something so subpar that I wonder whether I ever had it in me. And my self-talk points accusing crooked fingers at me with:

“You are not a trained writer. You have no qualifications to prove you can write! U no Engliz or wat?”

I start to feel like an empty shell and wonder if I was just a regular tapeworm who had glued on butterfly wings for a few days and it all washed away with the monsoon showers.

 

A seven-legged spider

creeps around in the shadow

waiting to pounce and

choke off the supply

to my heart song

 

I am not looking for reassurance here. I believe as people sailing similar ships, we all do get that sinking feeling sometimes and you really have to do some soul searching to figure out: is it really worth laboring on in this drought for the only reason that you enjoy writing so much?


Written for BARATHON Day 4

Is that Imposter home tonight? #BarAThon
Tagged on:             

18 thoughts on “Is that Imposter home tonight? #BarAThon

  • July 10, 2018 at 8:04 am
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    Dark days and even darker thoughts Namy when the verbosity becomes limited. Happens to all of us. I took a month long blogging break after the April writing challenge and then couldn’t motivate myself for the write tribe one at all. I have been feeling the need to stop writing and so I did. I barely blogged in June too.

    Now I am back with the barathon and have my august posts too lined up in my diary. So the break has done wonders for me.

    Go with the flow and you are quite a fantastic writer and probably need to recharge your batteries.

    Reply
    • July 11, 2018 at 2:05 pm
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      Yes Shalini. I think I do need some time to just recharge. Sometimes the insecurity is just overwhelming.

      Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 2:42 pm
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    An honest, heartfelt post. It echoes feelings of most of us. Each one of us has faced and will face such self doubting phase time and again. Thats life…sweet and sour with a pinch of salt.

    Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 2:16 pm
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    It was wonderful to read you, Namratha! Your blog is beautiful and you write so eloquently. It is fine to have self-doubts every now and then, and that is normal I guess, but don’t let them get the better of you. I think the creative process is not an easy one and it is hardly ever predictable. Some days we find more ideas and some days it can be a struggle to string words together…happens to the best of us! Somebody once said this about writing—”Writing is a craft where nobody can ever become a master.” And this is what I believe we should all go with. I hope you find your mojo back very soon, Namratha. You are definitely one blogger that I will be following beyond the #Barathon as well. 🙂

    My BAR post for Day 4 is here: https://mysoultalks.com/2018/07/09/realisation-barathon/

    Reply
    • July 9, 2018 at 2:48 pm
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      Thank you Esha. I love the support I receive from the blogging community, fellow bloggers like yourself.

      Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 1:47 pm
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    I totally understand what you mean. There are days when we all start questioning the purpose of our efforts but if it’s something that we enjoy and comes straight from the heart, the self doubt gives way to self belief. You are a writer par excellence. So let this phase pass and start weaving more magic through words. Love and hugs

    Reply
    • July 9, 2018 at 2:09 pm
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      Thanks Sonia. As you said, we need to focus on why we enjoy it when the going gets shaky

      Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 11:44 am
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    A creative writer always go through this. Ideas simply do not pop up and once it does pop up, it simply doesn’t stop. That’s the cycle we all go through.

    Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 10:58 am
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    Yes Namratha. But your writing is excellent. I haven’t come across anything that can be even remotely called average from you till now. I go through those phases every now and then. Yesterday I was in one and churned up some nonsense. Read it at your own peril.

    Here is my Barathon 4th day post

    http://www.jaispoetryblog.com/2018/07/four-corners-of-world.html

    Reply
    • July 9, 2018 at 11:12 am
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      Thanks Jai. Heading over to read it

      Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 9:48 am
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    Yes!!! I think you write so so well!! I am never so effusive when it comes praise. But I believe that whatever you write comes across as lyrical. I guess it is because you write from the heart. I know you are not looking for validation, but I truly look forward to read what you write.

    You are right – self-doubt is a constant companion of writers. I still can’t believe I wrote 26 posts in a month!! Maybe deadlines help creativity, as strange as it may sound.

    Reply
    • July 9, 2018 at 10:34 am
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      Thank you Ashwini. I know I have you in my corner. I do concur that deadlines combined with the potential of a lot of visitors does seem to multiply our creativity. But that followed by the ebook carnival and personal work has managed to exhaust me.
      I think the key going forward is write a poem or post a week to maintain some sense of continuity.

      Reply
  • July 9, 2018 at 9:46 am
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    There is a story of a village cursed with a drought for many years by God. None of the villagers work anymore on their fields, because they know there will not be any rain soon. But one fellow keeps ploughing and de-weeding his field. Everyone laughs at him. But one day, way before the curse was over, God relents and rain come down in torrents. But now only our friends farm is ready to take in the water. Others have become barren.

    See where I am going with this? Keep writing, the words will come eventually.

    Reply

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