The case I present to you today is a simple one.

How did you prepare for motherhood? By wearing bangles, eating healthy and being pampered.

What did you think that motherhood was about? Cuddles and smiles, right?

(And if you are like me your thoughts whirled around in an obsessive way to figure out how to get into labor before the doctor decides to cut you up like a someone from Grey’s Anatomy).

But, don’t you think to-be mothers deserve a glimpse, an iota of enlightenment before they are dropped down, headfirst, to free fall into the Amazon wild, with nothing to survive on but a 1950’s tape recorder spewing bad advice?

I say, put them in some prisoner camps. Then, they would know how to have patience when their life is controlled by one who thinks their appeals to be set free is gibberish or just downright funny!

What about some SWAT training with a delicate porcelain vase to balance on their heads? That way they’d be able to hit the ground running even at 3 in the morning.

Atleast, hire the guy from Oceans 11 to teach them some contortionist moves to get through crisscrossing laser beams without tripping the alarm? That might be of some help on those days when they need to get out of the room without waking the baby who wails and flails at the slightest creak of the floorboard or sometimes even without that and then would have to be back to rocking him to sleep for the 10th time in the same hour!

And I am yet to figure out what sort of training is required to combat the neverending sleepless nights, and especially the mornings that inevitably follow them. Unbuttoned shirts, engorged body parts, warm greetings accompanied by a giggle and a sticky palm, the aroma of fresh poop wafting up and spiraling through the room and the welcoming sight of an oozing fuming septic ball doubled or if luck is on their side, tripled in size. Can anything prepare them from going into malfunction overdrive and confessing all their sins of this and previous lifetimes?

So you see, we immediately need to start a petition on Change.org(cause that’s where all petitions go) to “I don’t know who” to provide some training to women intending to embark on this ‘beautiful’ journey called motherhood because in the current scenario, it is like having to run a Marathon in the desert for the first time, alternating between a sprint and a dash for the entire 42.195 kilometres with no shoes on, a couple of bottles of water, and never having done so much as a stretch in your life!

Sign your name below if you support my cause.

(I also recommend changing the cassette in the tape recorder to repeat “It’s just a phase. This too shall pass” on loop. They might be fooled for a while).


This post is written for BAR-A-Thon Day 2.

Practice before the Mumma-thon: A Bare Minimum Necessity #BARaThon @blogarhythm1

8 thoughts on “Practice before the Mumma-thon: A Bare Minimum Necessity #BARaThon @blogarhythm1

  • October 6, 2018 at 6:36 am
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    amusingly written. But the bottom line is being a mom is about what you do about it. My gran told me, do what you think is right you will do fine. It looks like the advice worked I have two amazing daughters I am surprised that a Bipolar mother to raise them.

    Reply
    • October 6, 2018 at 8:43 pm
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      True. My kids are still young. I am doing my best how I know best, hoping I shall be able to guide these wonderful kids to bloom and be good humans.

      Reply
  • July 5, 2018 at 3:44 pm
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    This was an amazing read. It was hilarious on the surface but you have managed to bring so many struggles related to motherhood through this awesome post. It is a pleasure to visit your posts Namratha.

    Reply
  • July 5, 2018 at 12:01 pm
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    No training would be sufficient for this phase. And I guarantee this. If ANY mom-to-be read my account of the first year post motherhood, she would run miles in the other direction.

    That said, these were all hilarious instances. I can laugh now because these days are behind me. Like, WAY behind me, say 11 years and counting. What a relief 😀

    Reply
  • July 5, 2018 at 10:45 am
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    OMG! This is so relatable. The days before motherhood I lived such a blissful life.. Alas I did not know what as coming and was least prepared. You rightly summed up the life of a new mom.. Those days of struggle and never ending nights.. I will never forget them

    Reply
  • July 5, 2018 at 9:21 am
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    That was both hilarious and deep rooted at the same time. Still giggling from some of your analogies.

    Reply

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